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Monday, September 20, 2010

Job Hunting Tips

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Oh yes, the economy...Right then, I suppose I should write some tips to help those seeking jobs. I can't take credit for these fantastic job hunting tips, but I thought I'd pass them along. If you're updating your resume or going on a interview you might want to take these helpful tidbits into consideration. Good luck and get off the dole!

Tips

If "Notable Achievements" section of your résumé is lacking, consider listing longest rat-tail you've ever grown.

Make sure résumé is free of spelling errors, grease stains, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.

When job app asks "Reason You Left Previous Job," make it clear your were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."

Make sure to brush teeth and practice a handshake that doesn't involve a fist bump.

Skills section should not include past notable bowel movements.

Drunk too much prior to the interview? Politely vomit down your jacket sleeve and hold your arm vertically until the end.

If you are a cannibal, rapist or Scientologist, best keep it to yourself or at least until you have your foot in the door.

In "References," simply write "Wikipedia."

Turning up to a job interview naked does not make you look like you have nothing to hide. It makes you look crazy.

Interview tip: refuse to answer questions and go on a tangent about how awesome you are. Make sure to follow up with a call.

Asking "Do you have a salve for this?" in Spanish is not the best example of your bilingual conversation skills.

* Not to be taken too seriously

2 comments:

  1. I like the references- wikipedia one best. When I was in recruiting and reviewing resumes, I once got one that said:

    Goals: I have many.

    Seriously. Years ago, and I still remember that. We blacked out the name and posted it on the wall of shame.

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  2. Ah, Charlie! I needed that. I've been looking for a long time, had some temp jobs but nothing steady. I used to hear that I needed a college degree, so I got one. Now I hear - honestly - that I'm overeducated and they want someone younger. Some of my wackier interviews are on my Memoirs of a Misanthrope blog.
    Friends try to help, and I have to say there's nothing they can tell me that I haven't tried.
    Well, you certainly surprised me and at least made me laugh.
    Thanks, love your blog.
    JP of Madame Perry's Salon @ blogspot and Memoirs Of A Misanthrope @ blogspot.

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